Loss

When I set out to write this blog I promised to write not only the good but also the bad. As much as it is difficult to write about something so personal, here it is. February 8th will be a day that I won't need to mark on a calendar but will be embedded in my mind as a day to remember. Just like November 6th and April 8th. On the morning of February 8th I went into the doctor's office hoping to see my little peanut and though I did, it's tiny heart had ceased quietly some days before. I was one day shy of being 12 weeks. This is not the first baby we have lost in this manner. The dates given previously were also dates of our sweet angels when we found out their hearts had stopped beating.
Two days before our anniversary back in December we found out the exciting news that we would be adding a new member to our family. It came as quite a surprise but a welcomed one none the less. The course of the pregnancy at best description was a roller coaster. With the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Without getting into all of the details, there were signs in the beginning where they thought the pregnancy wasn't going to progress. Then the very next week we saw the little one's heart beating nice and strong. And then three weeks later it wasn't anymore. Because this is not our first experience with this I knew what to expect but it never makes it any easier. It hurts. It's sad but this time I can talk about it.
The first baby we lost back in 2012 was a very hard situation. I had made it past the first trimester and so thought I was in the clear. Now, I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse for years and so I wasn't naive to the fact that you can lose a baby at any point in pregnancy. However, the risk is significantly less after the first trimester. So it was a huge blow to me when I found out the baby's heart stopped beating. I withdrew from people. I felt lost. I had to return to work where I was surrounded by babies, moms holding their babies, and helping moms deliver their babies. Pregnancy loss is not something people generally talk about and so you feel alone. It wasn't until one morning at shift change one of the day nurses sat down with me and told me her heart breaking experience of losing her baby at 6 months of pregnancy. And then she hugged me and gave me permission to grieve. She let me know it was ok. I drove home that morning enveloped in my sadness and dealt with the aftermath of the situation. We lost another baby five months later. But conversations were more open to me then. I am still dealing with the emotions of losing our most recent baby but I know it will be ok. It is because of people like the nurse I worked with that have empowered me to be more open about our own experiences. It is ok to talk about pregnancy loss. It is ok to grieve the loss. And then it is ok to move on. These babies will forever remain in my heart. They occupy a space just like my other two children. They were and will always be loved.

...And with utmost certainty God knows what is best for us.