Milestones

Childhood is marked by numerous milestones. Moments that we look to for reassurance we are meeting their needs, their proposed developmental stages, and growing. Today my little H became a big girl. She started preschool. This new milestone was met with some heartache on my part but even more excitement as I watched the light in her eyes as we embarked on this new chapter.

It has been an interesting road thus far with my little lady. As with any new change or development with my kids, I am brought back in time to the day they were born. Today was no different. As I was packing her backpack this morning it hit me that we have reached a new stage in life with her. A stage that seemed to take eternity to get to but also that seemed to happen too quickly. We always go with surprises when our kids are born, choosing to wait to find out gender until the big day. When she was born she was whisked away to the warmer by the NICU team due to some struggles at first. I remember the doctor saying, “you have a girl” and then my husband instantly said, “we should name her Hanna! Doesn’t she look like a Hanna?!” I had not actually seen her at this point, but she was destined to be a Hanna.

The first five months of her life were at best challenging. She cried 22 out of 24 hours a day. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. Looking back on those days, I am not sure how we survived. I literally packed her everywhere in my Moby wrap as that was the only thing that would calm her, and we spent most nights tirelessly pacing the apartment as I would sing and rock her just to get a few minutes of peace. I did not have much help as my husband’s residency hours left him mostly at the hospital and on the rare occasion he was home sleep over took. And so, we just took it one hour at a time, day after day. My oldest son was so sweet to her. Always trying to comfort her or play with her and to this day they have a special bond. We eventually discovered she had a milk protein and soy allergy. Life got a little better once we removed those from her diet however on the days she would consume something with those ingredients it was rough. 

It was because of those early days her and I became so attached. We did what we had to do to get through those difficult days. Until today when I dropped her off at preschool I have not been without my girl for one day since the day she was born. Even when I was in labor with our youngest she was there (thanks to my husband’s coworker she was not present for delivery) and then the next day because my husband had to work she also spent the day in the hospital with her new little brother and myself. 

            Last night as I laid with her in her bed she was talking to me about school. I watched her as she laid on her back staring up at the ceiling with a twinkle in her eye and she told me how preschool would be. All of the new friends she would see, the coloring she would get to do and of course getting to play on the playground. My heart squeezed a little as I listened and watched her and her palpable excitement. Then she rolled over on her side and with a sweet movement placed her hand on my cheek and asked, “will you miss me tomorrow mommy?” I replied that of course I would. I told her I would miss our afternoon tea party, our stories before nap time and all of her hugs she gives me. Then her quiet little voice said, “well it’s ok to miss me. I will miss you too. Don’t be sad because I will have lots of stories to tell you.” As I dropped my girl off today, I gave her a tight hug and a kiss and reminded her to collect her stories for me to share when I pick her up from school. She said, ‘ok momma’ and then went off with her teacher, holding her hand, as she was introduced to the other kids in her class. And just like that she became my big girl. As I sit here and write this the house is so quiet. My youngest sound asleep for nap time. Even he had trouble today with the absence of his sister. Asking me every five minutes, "Where sissy?" There will be more milestones to come and lots of new chapters for my big girl and I am excited to experience them with her. 

Mommy will you lay with me?

I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday, so small and so precious. Even from those beginning days I knew he was going to be a loving child. Back then I worked night shift. He would be home those hours with his dad and I would look forward to those afternoon naps with him when I would get home in the morning. One, because I was so exhausted and two, because he loved to be snuggled. When we moved to Seattle for my husband’s final years of residency/fellowship the majority of that time it was just my son and me. We would have campouts on the floor, late night movie sessions (I swear I never want to watch the Lorax ever again in my lifetime) and lots of snuggles.

From the time he could talk clearly, every single night he would ask me to lay with him until he fell asleep. We would brush his teeth, say good night to ALL of his stuffed friends, I would tuck him in and then his sweet little voice would say "I love you mommy, will you lay with me?" When his sister came along it got a little harder. Still most nights on our own we would all end up sleeping in my bed because he insisted that I lay with him and his sister (bless her and her colicky days, thanks to a milk protein allergy) also needed me to comfort and lay with her.

As he gets older, he will be 7 in the Fall, I wait for it. I wait for the day I tuck him in and he doesn't utter those sweet words. I wait for it because I know my heart will break a little. It will mark a change, that he is growing older and those days of my comfort and snuggles will not be needed or wanted as much. I see it all around me. My friend’s kids that I knew as children now growing into their teenage years and even going off to college. I want to savor these moments as long as I can. Because I know they will not last forever. Every night I find myself tucking him in, holding my breath and hoping he will still want me to lay with him until he falls asleep. Just one more night I tell myself every night. Just give me one more night. One more night that he needs me and wants my comfort and snuggles. These moments don't last forever. I see him changing in front of my eyes. Growing and maturing. So, I try to cherish the moments I get. I am thankful for tonight. That I got one more night of his snuggles. We will see what happens tomorrow.

Thank You

To the strong special mother that posted and to the families that love him......thank you!

Yesterday I started packing for a trip our kids have been begging us to take them on for a year. Literally for 365 days all I have heard was that they wanted to go to the beach. For several months we have been planning this trip but not telling the kids until recently because I did not want to jinx it.

You see it is common for us to have canceled trips and plans. Heart kids who need him take priority. That has always been known and something we understand. Last night this trip became a little in question. My husband came home from work to tell me about his day and a baby that may need him remotely.

You wrote about your selfish occasional moments and know that I have my own. It is not often but from time to time they happen. And last night was one of them. For a moment, and I promise it was only a moment, I thought oh man how am I going to tell the kids that we cannot go to the beach. Because you see we had just shared with them that we were taking them. I stopped packing our bags last night and instead laid and read my book. And then, as if God knew my heart, my phone dinged with a link that was shared to me. A link I needed to read. A link that would remind me that I have to share this life and this unique human being I call husband. It was your story, but it wasn't. It was also my story. And it brought me to tears. I have never complained about his work or his hours. I look into the eyes of my children every day after listening to countless stories of families like yours and I am thankful that I can share this person who has been given a gift to help you and your family in your time of need.

I have often wondered if you and other families know about us. As I know my husband is a man of few words. There have been countless missed birthdays, special moments with the kids, anniversaries etc, and I wonder if you know. Do you know that when he comes home you all come home with him? Even when he is home he worries. He calls. He texts. To find out how your little one is doing. Nothing is missed, I assure you, even when he is not there.

Thank you for sharing your story. It warms my heart to know he is loved by so many. It makes me happy to know his impact in your life means so much. And thank you for giving me something to share with my children so they know that though their dad is not always present his purpose of absence is because of a greater calling. I hope one day you come across my words as well and know how grateful I am to have read yours and how much they meant to me ❤