Life's Moments

We tend to measure life in moments and/or milestones. Times in our lives that are remembered because of moments when our lives feel so full; full of love, full of sorrow, full of happiness, full of loss. One of these moments in my life was five years ago today, October 6th 2011 at 6:46 a.m. when I became a mother.
I will never forget the time leading up to that day. More than a week past my due date I was ready to go into labor at any moment. On October 5th I went to my friend Michelle's house because we were both off that day and we were going to binge watch some episodes of our favorite paranormal show while eating some delicious pasta salad from Whole Foods (if you ever have a chance to try smoked mozzarella pasta salad do it!). That afternoon I had a doctor's appointment to check on things so we paused our show and I left Michelle's house saying, "I'll be back in about an hour" not realizing that would not be the case.
I went in for my appointment and due to some issues my doctor said "well let's send you in to the hospital for an induction." Wait, what did you just say?! Totally unprepared to hear those words, I called my husband who had just finished up a surgery case and informed him I was being sent to the hospital for induction. After calling our families, my next phone call was to my friend letting her know I would in fact not be back to finish our show.
After being admitted to the hospital and getting everything taken care of we got started that night on the medication to induce labor. Luckily for me one of my old friends/coworkers from Labor and Delivery had moved hospitals and was my nurse that night. And I was more than thankful for that familiar face! I tried to tough it out as long as I could before I got my epidural. Around midnight I was too exhausted and hurting too much with the intentness of the contractions that I was ready for some relief. I called for Jennifer and woke my husband, who was sleeping so peacefully on the pull out couch in my room (more on that in a minute!) and got things started so I could get that much needed relief.
After that it was smooth sailing. My husband, who had put in a long day of surgery and would have to go back in the morning for a big surgery case he had scheduled, went and laid back down while I laid there in the dark watching the monitor with my contractions and fetal heart rate waiting for the moment I would be told it was time to begin. 
After pushing for about thirty minutes the baby (at this point we didn't know the gender of our baby) was having some distress. I will never forget the moment the doctor told the my friend, the nurse, to go get his forceps because if I couldn't push the baby out in the next three pushes he was going to pull it out. You want to talk about adrenaline rush! Though I trusted my doctor completely I was not about to have him deliver my baby with forceps. And so I pushed with everything I had. And then it was over.
I heard that little cry and the very next thing I heard is "you guys have a little boy" and he held him up for us to see and I became flooded with emotions.
When they say something is indescribable that is truly how I felt in that moment when I became a mother. I was exhilarated, exhausted, in love, surprised (we don't find out genders of our little's before delivery) and completely afraid; every single emotion one can feel I felt in those few seconds upon seeing his beautiful little face. The first moment I got to hold him I just stared at him. I was a mother. He was my son. No amount of words can fill in that moment and then he opened his little eyes and stared right back at me. All I could do was smile, and said "Hi I am your mommy."
I relive that moment every year on this day. It is something I cherish with every ounce of my being. He is such a wonderful little boy. Full of life and happiness just like the meaning of his name. And he has given me more life, love and happiness in his five years than I could have ever imagined was possible.

Independence

I have always driven since the moment I got my learner's permit at the age of 15. It was just something every kid I knew did, like a right of passage of sorts. I didn't realize at the time how priceless it truly was to have the freedom of driving. That is until we moved to Seattle three years ago.
When we moved to Seattle we had to down size to one car. Due to the cost of living there and living on one paycheck it was not feasible for us to be able to afford two cars and all the expenses that go along with it. It was agreed that my husband needed the car more than my son and I. He had to be to work by 5a.m. and often did not get home until 9p.m. at the earliest. A lot of people asked, could he not take the bus? Or a taxi? Or walk? We weighed all of those options but none of them worked out. Due to his hours and his need to get to the hospital in emergencies it was not practical for him to take a bus or taxi. He could very well walk the three miles to work but I didn't want him walking home in those late hours of the night or early hours in the morning in the sketchy neighborhoods he would've had to walk through to get to work and then back home. And so my son and I had to find things to do that were within walking distance to our apartment. If we needed groceries it was a 20 block walk round trip, and we did it a lot. Thankfully there were three parks within a mile in opposite directions to our apartment. We made it work but it was still difficult. One thing I regret was not taking the bus. As I look back on those years I think we could've explored more on our own had I taken the bus with the kids. There were times we would have to get up at 4a.m. to take him to work so we could have the car for doctors appointments and other necessary things but then I would also have to wake our kids up to go get him at all hours of the night when he was done for the day.
It did get a little better our third year there when he was doing his Congenital fellowship. He didn't have to be to work quite as early so it was more practical and easier to get the car during that year. I didn't realize the independence and convenience one loses when they do not have the ability to drive places. It was a real struggle for me to lose that aspect in life. When we moved to West Virginia there were a few weeks when we still had one car but we were so busy with tasks at the new house that it wasn't an issue. Also my husband hadn't started work in that time either. We now fill our two-car garage though and I will not hesitate to say I LOVE having a car again. To all of my environmental friends don't worry the kids and I don't drive around aimlessly but we do like getting out and about most days. I have come to appreciate the privilege and independence having a car permits.
 The struggles that were endured during the years of residency help to keep things in perspective for us and make us appreciate the things we have. And those struggles make us better people for it.   

A Little Piece of Magic

In my younger years when talking about my hopes and dreams with friends among their list was always have a family. To be honest that was one area in life I was uncertain about. Not entirely sure I was mother material; it was definitely not something in the forefront of my mind. Many years later, that makes me sound old, I met and married my husband. After a year we decided to try for a family. 

When we had our son on that first day all I could do was look at his beautiful little face as he starred at me with eyes of wonderment. So many things went through my mind in those first few hours. Would I be a good mother? What kind of life would he live and lead? How do I raise him and guide him to be the best version of himself while at the same time giving him his freedom to find himself in life on his own terms? How can I keep him safe in this changing world where threats are everywhere of every kind?

In his short four years, almost five, of his life I have found myself looking at life through his eyes. I love to watch him experience new things. The innocence of childhood so pure and unaffected by the large world that surrounds him. It helps keep me grounded when we have our little talks about life. I love his very big imagination and the way he views things in life. I remember the night shortly after we moved to West Virginia when we showed him fireflies "lightening bugs" for the first time. That will forever be a memory I cherish in my heart. The simple amazement and joy on his face. When we explained to him what they were he said it was "magical." And I must admit I felt the same. 
Last night the kids requested to have campout in the basement. A favorite weekend tradition of ours of pulling out the sleeping bags and sleeping on the floor, reading stories, playing games, or watching movies. Last night while I was trying to get our daughter to sleep I kept noticing a blinking glowing light by the door that goes outside. My first thought was is someone secretly recording us?! I watched it for several minutes and a moment later a firefly outside went past our basement window. And then it dawned on me; I bet we have a firefly stuck in our house. She noticed it as well and asked what it was. I told her I thought it might be a firefly. She went to sleep shortly after at which time I went upstairs to get my husband so we could catch it. The poor little thing had in fact gotten stuck in the doorframe but his glowing light was a beacon that directed us right to him. After we caught him in the jar we took him upstairs to show our son who was waiting for bed. He could not believe what he was seeing. He just watched it for the longest time. At that moment I was certain that when he had seen the magical glowing orbs in the backyard two months ago, stories of glowing bugs was something he thought only his imagination would conjure up.
I wish I could keep our children small forever. I wish I could protect them from the negative things in this world but I can't. I fall short often, daily even, of "Mother of The Year" but I do my best to try and give them the kind of childhood that will give them life long memories of happiness. And so when they go out into this big world they will have these little pieces of magic to take with them.

Visitors

We had our first visitors this week! My parents came out from Washington for a few days over the holiday weekend. We got to the airport a little early so we hung around the baggage claim area. When we saw them the excitement from our kids was heard throughout the airport. They both yelled "Grammy! Bunka!" and went running for them. It was a priceless moment I wish I could've captured on video. As always the visit didn't feel long enough but we packed a few things into our days.
We took them to a local minor league baseball game, hit up the local doughnut shop, and did a little school clothes shopping. Thanks to my awesome step dad we were able to get some electrical stuff figured out around here. It's very handy to know an electrician, especially one who takes payments in hot fresh doughnuts! Unfortunately the kids got sick during their stay but it didn't slow them down any. Our son got to work on some sports stuff which his Bunka specializes in. We like to refer to it as Bunka Bootcamp. Afternoons spent running and playing football and basketball were some of the highlights, as well as getting to help Bunka with some projects around the house.
My mom was able to lend me some decorating help and put together my front porch fall decorations for me as my house warming gift. I can't wait for her to come back and give me some more advice and help because I am lacking in that department. After a fun-filled three days with them we had to say goodbye and take them back to the airport. As always it was hard to say goodbye. In the car on the way home our son asked three times when they would return. After our daughter woke from her nap she went upstairs to look in the room they had slept in calling out for them as if they were playing hide-and-go-seek with her. To her disappointment they never came out and I had to remind her we had dropped them to the airport that morning. We look forward to more visits from them and hopefully others soon!

DIY

I hadn't realized that it had been nearly three weeks since my last post! Time just got away from me. We bought our first house when we moved here. A beautiful home that almost reduced me to tears with the thought that once the ink had dried it would belong to us. At the time we didn't realize the amount of stuff that would need to be done to the house. Some stuff needed to be done immediately while other things we will work on over time. All of these projects we have taken on in here have used up my otherwise limited down time and so I have neglected my computer and my blog.
It is definitely different being a homeowner. It is an awesome feeling to be able to have your own home. When we lived in our apartments I dreamed of the day our children would have a yard they could run around in as opposed to the 1-2 hours a day we would spend at the park every day. The park was great, they could run and play and exhaust some of their energy but to have the freedom to go outside as you please is truly a blessing.
There is also a lot of responsibility that goes along with owning your own home too. At first it was overwhelming with the thought of the things that we needed to do but the silver lining is we get to put our own touches in here and make it our own home. My husband commented recently that by the time we are finished with our big projects it will be like a brand new house. I actually enjoy these projects. I suppose though there will always be projects coming up. Sometimes little things you are wanting to change or unfortunate big unexpected projects like the ones we experienced once we got moved in but that is just part of life and being a homeowner. I hope to one day get back to my limited crafty ways and do some DIY projects that are maybe a little more fun than patching and painting an entire bedroom and bathroom but all in good time. Besides we have to get these big projects done before my productivity level decreases some in December! :)

Back To The Grind

Well it was a good run here in our house. My husband had just about a month off in between completing his fellowship and starting his first job. Despite having to work on some papers he's writing and doing some reading it afforded him quality time with the kids. It took some adjustment having daddy at home. Between a lot of traveling and his presence our daily routine got a little shaken up. Nap times got missed, cookies were given for breakfast and my dress got shrunk in his attempt to help me switch out the laundry one day. All in all though it was nice to see the kids have that time with him. I would watch them play and listen to their laughter worrying in the back of my mind what would happen when he went back to work. Fortunately the first two weeks were mostly orientation types of days where even if they didn't get to see him in the morning he would usually make it home for dinner. This last week however he started back operating and though I was hoping his absence wouldn't be too hard to transition back to, his presence was definitely missed. During the day at random intervals the kids would ask when he would be coming home. A knock on the door by the UPS man would elicit yells for daddy and running to the door only to be disappointed it was just a box. And then two nights ago while finishing up dinner our son tells me he doesn't think he wants to be a surgeon like daddy. I asked him why, to which he responded, "you would be so lonely if we are both gone and then you would only have my sister to eat dinner with." Though I appreciate his thoughtful and loving heart it reminds me that he is getting older now and is more perceptive about his surroundings and the day to day life and events that transpire. Thankfully though I believe they will have more time on the weekends with him as the demand on his time will not be quite like the last few years.
I do know that though he misses the kids he is glad to be back helping those that need his help. He comes in to his new position with a lot of pressure from different directions but he knows that one pressure he doesn't have to worry about is pressure from home. We are getting our routine back in order and the kids absolutely love this new area and we enjoy exploring it!

Back to three seats at the dinner table

Home

I once read a quote that said, "home is not a place, it is a feeling." I have lived in many places in my life and I feel confident in saying this could not be truer. A few weeks ago we moved to a lovely town in West Virginia. Ironically known for the actor Don Knotts, it feels very Mayberry-ish to me here. Although significantly larger than that storybook town, the people are friendly and it maintains that small town feel, where neighbors help neighbors and everyone knows everyone. In my previous post I wrote about how at first when my husband accepted the job here I was nervous with the ideas conjured up in my head of what life in West Virginia would be like. Life here has proven to be peaceful and serene.
It took us a month to get our things here. 

It took a week but we got all of our boxes unpacked!

 After a big fiasco with the moving company, that I assure you we will not use EVER again, a truck driver who to the colorful language of my uncle and father obviously did not know how to actually DRIVE his truck, except on the straight interstate. Things brought to us broken, crushed up and/or missing we survived. And to be honest I was ok here. As soon as we got here it felt like home to me. It is a hard feeling to explain to someone that doesn't understand that 'home' doesn't have to be a place but a feeling. Yes, we are both miles from our family, our comfort zone, but we don't feel unease about it. 
My mom once told me she knew I would likely never live where I grew up because I had a gypsy soul and I find that in my years, in my many moves I have always found 'home' everywhere I have been. I have been able to make a life despite the locations or distance from anyone I knew. I have been able to pack up my small amount of possessions and find adventure and life everywhere I went. I of course will always have my hometown. The place I was born and raised. The place where the foundation of my life was set. The place I know I can always return to if or when I need to but every piece of my 'home' I have found in my travels and living in different locations. It is comprised of the people I surround myself with, the beauty of the scenery around me, watching my children's happy faces as they run and explore, where my heart feels full and life is satisfying.