Loss

When I set out to write this blog I promised to write not only the good but also the bad. As much as it is difficult to write about something so personal, here it is. February 8th will be a day that I won't need to mark on a calendar but will be embedded in my mind as a day to remember. Just like November 6th and April 8th. On the morning of February 8th I went into the doctor's office hoping to see my little peanut and though I did, it's tiny heart had ceased quietly some days before. I was one day shy of being 12 weeks. This is not the first baby we have lost in this manner. The dates given previously were also dates of our sweet angels when we found out their hearts had stopped beating.
Two days before our anniversary back in December we found out the exciting news that we would be adding a new member to our family. It came as quite a surprise but a welcomed one none the less. The course of the pregnancy at best description was a roller coaster. With the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Without getting into all of the details, there were signs in the beginning where they thought the pregnancy wasn't going to progress. Then the very next week we saw the little one's heart beating nice and strong. And then three weeks later it wasn't anymore. Because this is not our first experience with this I knew what to expect but it never makes it any easier. It hurts. It's sad but this time I can talk about it.
The first baby we lost back in 2012 was a very hard situation. I had made it past the first trimester and so thought I was in the clear. Now, I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse for years and so I wasn't naive to the fact that you can lose a baby at any point in pregnancy. However, the risk is significantly less after the first trimester. So it was a huge blow to me when I found out the baby's heart stopped beating. I withdrew from people. I felt lost. I had to return to work where I was surrounded by babies, moms holding their babies, and helping moms deliver their babies. Pregnancy loss is not something people generally talk about and so you feel alone. It wasn't until one morning at shift change one of the day nurses sat down with me and told me her heart breaking experience of losing her baby at 6 months of pregnancy. And then she hugged me and gave me permission to grieve. She let me know it was ok. I drove home that morning enveloped in my sadness and dealt with the aftermath of the situation. We lost another baby five months later. But conversations were more open to me then. I am still dealing with the emotions of losing our most recent baby but I know it will be ok. It is because of people like the nurse I worked with that have empowered me to be more open about our own experiences. It is ok to talk about pregnancy loss. It is ok to grieve the loss. And then it is ok to move on. These babies will forever remain in my heart. They occupy a space just like my other two children. They were and will always be loved.

...And with utmost certainty God knows what is best for us.

Mom Conference

Two weeks ago my husband went to one of his annual professional conferences out of state. The conferences usually last about 5 days. Before we had our daughter, my son and I attended two of these conferences with him. At the last trip my son and I developed food posioning. We had a miserable flight back home. We have since decided that for now he can go by himself and we'll find something to occupy us at home. Those who have attended conferences know how it goes. There are meetings or lectures to attend. Lunches, dinners, social events and let's be honest, there is plenty of down time. I know that people in the medical profession are not the only ones with the ability to attend conferences. There are business conferences, marketing conferences, religious conferences, etc. The other day I was thinking about this and thought to myself I wonder if there are any "mom conferences" out there. And so I opened up my handy laptop and Googled my way around the internet. I found a few parenting types of conferences but nothing what I was looking for. In my mind I want to see a mom conference in a beautiful city. Different places where moms can convene annually. Where we can go to lectures on different parenting subjects, attend meal prep for family classes, or tips on saving and budgeting for the family. There will be time to learn about new family products and items. Also during this time a mom can attend a yoga class or meditation class. We can get a group together to run a local trail or bike a fun new path. Find people of common interests and network and socialize and build friendships. These can be working moms, stay-at-home moms, work from home moms, moms of teenagers or moms of babies. A 5 day, 4 night trip where we get the king size bed all to ourselves and there are no eyes staring at us at 6 a.m. wondering when is breakfast. Maybe some day I will put something together with my visions of the perfect mom conference. 

Sacrifice

When I had originally planned to write this post it was going to be about the sacrifice our children have experienced with the schedule of their daddy but after I got half way through I decided instead I would write about the sacrifice of my husband. People often don't consider the sacrifice physicians make on a personal level. Most people don't know the many hours that are spent not in the hospital or clinical setting but at home researching, reading or planning. I am sure by now, if you've read previous posts, you have an idea of the hours that my husband puts in the hospital operating and in clinic seeing patients but there are countless hours and nights when he gets home at 8p.m. or later only to eat and grab his text book or computer to start his "home" work. He spends his nights reading and doing research for the various research projects that he is doing and also for his cases for the next day. He also has to prepare for his weekly conference he has and other various presentations he must make.
To understand his commitment and work ethic I think it's important to go back in time. If you ask him if he always wanted to be a physician he will tell you that in fact he didn't decide until the day his application to medical school was due. At the time he was 18 years old. Yes, he graduated with his undergraduate degree when he was 18. At the tender age of 15 he had graduated high school. And he completed medical school and started Family Medicine residency at the age of 22. Those early years when a lot of us were still figuring life out he was deep into medical text books and clinical hours. My husband is very driven, and very motivated to be the best surgeon he can possibly be. In order for him to do that the time must be spent reading, researching and working.
Whenever a special day comes for present buying there are many of us that struggle with what to get him. He doesn't have much time to enjoy things like hobbies or a good fiction novel. He would love to be able to spend more time doing things like fishing, camping or traveling but the very small amount of non-doctoring time that he is afforded is spent with the kids. The sacrifice at times can be hard. There have been many things and events he/we have missed due to his work and the amount of time he spends preparing for work. There have been times when we have planned for family time out of the city on one of his weekends off only to have him get called and asked to come back for an emergency case. And so even at six in the morning on a Sunday we quickly pack our stuff back up, load the kids in the car and make the trip back. It makes it all worth it though for him to have the ability to save someone's life. And so the sacrifices are made, the time is invested and his skills become more perfected.

* I feel like it is very important to thank his parents and siblings for the sacrifices they made and the support they have given him and us. Also his extended family for the support they gave him over the years. And a big thank you to both of our families and our friends for the support, patience and understanding when we were are unable to attend functions and events due to his schedule and work hours.

New Year, New Beginnings

The New Year brings upon us the prospect of new beginnings. The excitement and the uncertainty of new adventures and what the future holds for us. So many things can happen in 365 days that the possibilities are truly endless. One thing is certain for my family in the next year, and that is that my husband will FINALLY be done with his training and we will be moving on to the next chapter in our lives. The next chapter will likely be in a different area of the country or at least a different state. We have been very fortunate over the years. During different residencies we have been lucky enough to have lived near both of our families for a few years even though they live in completely opposite ends of the country. Unfortunately a move will mean I will have to again say good bye to my family. My husband will be interviewing for jobs and we will likely know sometime this Spring where we will end up in July. The excitement of a new adventure is permeable in our apartment, as we both are looking forward to the next step and wherever it may take us. I know we will have more things to come in the next year so stay tuned.....
I wish you all a happy and safe New Year. 

I Do

Depending on who you ask our anniversary varies. If you ask us or our family and friends they would tell you that we were married on December 19, 2009. If you ask the state of Georgia however, they will tell you we were married on December 21, 2009. My husband is one lucky guy because based on a technicality our anniversary spans three days, so if he forgets it he basically has lapsed on almost half of a week. When we were trying to pick our wedding date he had to discuss dates with his General Surgery program director. General Surgery residents are not allowed to take vacations on certain rotations in their training. So my ideal late summer, early fall wedding got pushed to the last day of fall that year. We had a nice small, quiet wedding with our immediate family and close friends.  But wait lets get back to the discrepancy in the dates. In the state of Georgia both parties have to be present in order to obtain your marriage license. Well we were to be married on Saturday the 19th but my husband had to work the Friday before and since we didn't live in Georgia (we were getting married there because of family) there was no way he would be able to make it there before to obtain our license. And so we proceeded with the traditional wedding ceremony on Saturday the 19th as planned and then on Monday morning of the 21st we headed down to the court house to obtain our license and deliver it to our wedding officiant. There were a few wedding hangups like him getting stuck at the airport Friday night due to flight delays but thankfully he made it to Georgia at 2am that Saturday morning and we were able to marry as planned. Marriage is full of obstacles that every couple must navigate. In our six years, and counting, we've had our share of tough years and triumphant years and I couldn't have asked for a better partner to navigate those years with. And even more, looking forwards to the years of adventure to come!

Photo Credit: Simply Memories by Rachel Baldwyn

My Choice To Stay Home

In Fall of 2011 we welcomed our highly energetic son into the world. My husband was in his fourth year of General Surgery residency and life got a little more busy after that. At the time of his birth I was already more than half way into my Bachelor's degree program and was working full time in the ICU. I took four months of maternity leave then it was back to work. I was sad to leave him on the days I worked, but I loved being a nurse and he was in very good hands. After six months I graduated (Magna Cum Laude) with my Bachelors of Science Degree in Nursing and decided it was time to change to working at nights in the ICU. That meant our son didn't have to be watched by anyone anymore and I could still work and enjoy nursing. Back then it was a bit easier to work around my husband's schedule as it was slightly predictable. On the days when life threw a curve ball we had the most amazing support of some of the best friends we could ask for. They would, without hesitation, help us on the days that I had to go to work and my husband was stuck in an operation or when I was already at work and he had to go in for an emergency surgery.
Things changed though in the summer of 2013 when we moved for my husband's Cardiothoracic Surgery residency. We were closer to family, but not close enough to where we could have someone  come over and watch our son. We knew no one in the big city and as much as I wanted to return to work there were some serious things we needed to evaluate. One of the things we had to look at was scheduling. My husband's schedule for the next few years would be such that he had scheduled surgeries Monday through Friday, and very frequent emergencies and transplants that would arise. And we also had to work around his call schedule which included but was not limited to two weekends a month and on certain rotations was on call 24/7 for three months. Another area we had to look at was the fact that if I intended to go back to work we would have to place our son in daycare. Daycare in the big city unfortunately is quite expensive and my salary would essentially be funding his daycare and so not financially helpful. I could work the two weekends he had off but as we saw he was likely to get called in even on those days and also we would never have any family time. And so, what was important to us?  I missed working but were there any benefits to me returning to work besides my selfish reasons for missing the job? My husband supported whatever decision I made and so I had some things to think about. After all things considered I decided that, for now, my place was at home with my son and later our daughter as well. People have asked me if I will return to work when my husband is done with all of his training and I can honestly say I am not sure. If I do, I will go back to working nights and part time as I have now seen how important it is for my kids to have me at home. Yes I miss working, I miss taking care of patients. I miss having intellectual conversations with adults though I must say I have had some stimulating conversations with my son. I miss the interaction with people that I once had and feeling like a valued member of the team but had I not been at home I might not have been able to say I taught my son how to read and write, two skills that will carry him throughout his life. I might not have been there to watch him learn to swim. And let's be honest with my daughter's lack of sleeping I would have shown up to work like a zombie EVERY day. The choice to stay home is not for everyone but if you can and want to stay home the rewards are immeasurable.


*If any chance you are reading this Aunty Tiff (Tiffany), Aunty Sully (Lauren), Shay and Grandma Patsy I cannot thank you enough for your love and support during those early years. I couldn't have done it without you!

Sacred Sunday

Back in July my husband started his last and final year of training! For anyone who knows, works with or is married to a resident or fellow you know what it's like to see the light at the end of the tunnel. With medical school, family medicine residency, general surgery residency, adult cardiothoracic surgery residency and pediatric congenital heart surgery fellowship he will have committed a total of 15 years of training. Yes you read that right, 15 years! We've been married for six of those years. During those years we have worked through many different schedules, weeks on night shift, trauma schedules of every third day working for nearly 36 hours, on call days  (i.e. in the hospital for over 24 hrs) on top of the scheduled working days, etc. This year has been a little tough though. According to the guidelines every resident has to have at least four days off a month. The last two years of his adult cardiothoracic program it was nice because his four days were used to get two weekends off a  month, though there were quite a few he still had to work a portion of. We were able to get out of the city and enjoy some family time. This year though he only gets every Sunday off. That's it. So if a holiday falls on a Sunday he gets it off but otherwise he is working holidays too. Sundays have become a sacred day for us. A day he gets to spend with the kids,  a day he catches up on sleep and a day for him to catch up on all of the research projects he has going on. That is if he doesn't have to go in for an emergency surgery or transplant. Due to either a fluke on the schedule this week or the fact that he is doing a week in ICU he is getting off the entire weekend and we are out of here! Good bye hustle bustle of the metropolis city; we are putting you in the rear view mirror - not to be seen again until Sunday!