March 26, 2012

I've had patients tell me that they saw their life flash before their eyes. I had heard of this happening to other people also but I never understood the phenomenon until March 26, 2012. I was on my way home from the hospital to see my little 5 month old son and relieve his Aunty of duty. I was driving down a very busy and high traffic road traveling at the speed limit (40mph). I was driving through the intersection (my light was green) and then it happened. Because of my speed the accident itself took seconds maybe even less but it felt like at least five minutes.  She plowed into

the passenger rear side of my car. She hit me hard enough to change the direction of my car. I saw that telephone pole and there was no time to slow down. From my many years volunteering on the fire department I knew in those seconds that the outcome could be very bad for me. And then it happened. The thoughts of what I would miss. My son growing up. Missing his milestones in life. My husband. I saw visions of my childhood growing up with my brother. My parents. My younger siblings. It was literally the highlight reel of my life. And then I saw the telephone pole inches from my car and as my car was rolling, it went straight into it. I closed my eyes and held the steering wheel and told God if it's my time I pray for peace and quickness without suffering. And then there was impact. I sat there hanging from my seat belt. I opened one eye and then the other. Was I alive? The next part happened so quickly it was unreal. Bystanders who witnessed my accident climbed on my car and drug me out. They were all talking at once but I couldn't hear them. I said please call my husband to another bystander and rattled off his number knowing he was scrubbed into surgery and was confident he wouldn't answer. The ambulance came and by then the world was more in focus. The paramedic told me they were going to take me to the trauma center at which time I kindly declined. I told them to just take me to the hospital I knew my insurance covered. He said, you are a nurse, now look out there at your car and tell me that you don't need to go to the trauma center. And I said please take me to the hospital my insurance covers. Then I heard the other paramedic say hey here comes one of the trauma surgeons he can tell us what he thinks. I heard him before I saw his face and he said "take her to the trauma center." I said I don't think that is necessary. The paramedic looked at me then said, that guy is one of the trauma surgeons, to which I replied "that guy is my husband." So off to the trauma center I went. I got great care but there is something about being there with someone the ENTIRE staff knows that's a little difficult. Here I am stripped down to my 'designer' hospital gown and person after person from the environmental services department to the other surgical staff, nurses and techs stopped by.  And so it went on and on for hours. The first couple of times were quite embarrassing but I quickly got over that. I appreciated that when people found out his wife was the patient laying on the stretcher they showed genuine concern and would come back and check on me until we left. The effects of that day still linger. I am no longer the super confident person in the car. I get anxious at times. I get cold sweats and nauseated when I see someone pulling out from across an intersection. It took me months to drive back down that road. I would rather drive the extra 15-20 min to work then drive down that road. Until one day my husband said you are going to do this and I will be in the car with you. Every day when I look in the mirror and see the four inch scar that runs down my neck I touch it and thank God I still get another day with my kids. I get another day with my husband. I get another day with my family.
It's true that life flashes before your eyes.
At least it was for me that day.
By God's will, I was very lucky that the outcome of that incident on that day was in my favor.

Life is precious. Life is short. So live life to the fullest!

Ruthie Toothie

Disclaimer:
Be advised, what you are about to read may or may not uncover truths you are not wanting to accept. Read with caution.....

Growing up we are fed legends of mystical people or animals. We are told if we believe, they may bring us something on a special day or holiday. Insert the legend of the Tooth Fairy. A glorious story of a magical fairy that when you lose a tooth, will come and take your tooth that is hidden away under your pillow, and leave some coins in its place. Although I think now the Tooth Fairy leaves green bills because let us face it, it's hard to keep up with inflation.

I remember the excitement as a child the night upon losing a tooth. I anxiously would place it in the perfect spot under my pillow so the Tooth Fairy would have easy access to it. I would lay there in anticipation, unable to sleep right away, with thoughts of a late night visit from her.

Now having my own children I think about these mystical and magical things. And I wonder where is the parent's version?! Our daughter in the last three weeks has had eight new teeth! And it looks like numbers nine and ten are shortly behind. It has been quite a surprise. It took nearly a year for her first tooth to come in. She had well mastered walking before she could even take a bite out of her favorite crackers. Her constant chewing and biting accompanied with gallons of drool was not the only sign she was plagued with multiple insults of teeth breaking the gum line. Though she is not much of a sleeper in general this teething business makes for long nights for our poor little one and mommy. Let me also make mention of her ornery behavior as well. And so where is the Tooth Fairy when I need her? I think for every tooth that arrives, parents should receive some compensation as well. Be it green bills or some medication that actually helps them get through this agonizing process in the circle of life. Luckily for our little miss she has a very good big brother who insists on reading her Dr. Seuss's The Tooth Book nearly every day so "she knows what is going on and she's not scared about it." And also because "it's very important she takes care of her teeth because these ones will fall out and her second ones come and that's it, that's all she gets!" So says her big brother.

So maybe next round Tooth Fairy, when you come to visit our children you can leave a little memento for those of us that suffer right along with our teething children.

Him and Her

I had his heart for several years, then it happened overnight.

I saw that glimmer in his eyes when he saw her at first sight.

He didn't think I noticed, for it happened suddenly.

It started taking root inside his heart and filled it quite quickly.

It started with her smile, then a loving firm embrace.

There was no turning back, she had found her place.

She sees him in the hall and rushes to his arms.

Like a long lost friend she hasn't seen with many years apart.

I watch them from the side as they exchange their tender touch.

He kisses her, and his beard gives her nose quite a scrunch.

He calls her by her special names but the name that means the most,

is when she utters Daddy, if only he could boast.

The Pager

Technology.

It is an amazing accomplishment of modern times.

With the touch of a finger you can find anyone, anything, anywhere in the world in a matter of milliseconds. One of my favorite memories growing up was visiting my great grandmother (Grandma-great) who, born at the turn of the century, had the most amazing stories about things I could only read about. The first dial telephone, the first airplane, the first television. Her stories were fascinating and I could sit and listen to her for hours recount her many years on Earth. I remember when we were first introduced to the computer, I was in sixth grade. My generation never had cell phones in high school. But a select few of the "cool" people had pagers. I am familiar with pagers of varying kinds.  Proudly being in a family with numerous fire fighters and having been on the fire department for 12 years myself, I know how crucial and disruptive they can be. Ringing out at all hours of the day, a cry for help that must be answered. The pager that is a part of my family now is no different.
It goes with us everywhere like another arm or another child. As we go through our routine checks for an outing it is among the list.

Diaper bag...check,
drinks and snacks for everyone...check,
little people...check,
pager...check.

It doesn't discriminate regarding what day it is, what time it is, if there is any family function going on. It rings out as a signal of distress beckoning for services. It never really bothered me because it is all part of the deal. Until we had kids.
It is no secret that our children are not the world's best sleepers. I was a new mother with a colicky 12 week old. I finally got him to sleep after hours of singing, rocking and bouncing. It was just after midnight and he'd been asleep less than an hour. And then it happened. Crying out in the quiet still night, the pager. I laid there holding my breath and two seconds later the piercing cries of our son could be heard. At which time I am pretty sure I cried myself. I picked up our son and began the slow pacing of the room again. And I could hear my husband in the other room ordering a stool softener. I thought at that moment I could strangle the nurse on the other end of that call. I have had a few years of nursing under my belt, with plenty of night shifts, and not once in my years did I ever call a physician in the middle of the night for a stool softener. I guess I just never saw that as an emergency. We had another incident not too long ago of similar caliber with our daughter. However, that time it was much more warranted and therefore I could not be upset about that. Most of the time if it's a night when my husband knows it will be heavy with calls he will sleep in the other room so as to not disturb our light sleepers. There are many reasons to be thankful for modern technology. Albeit being quite disruptive, they are a means by which people can get a quick response in times of emergency. And so we reserve ourselves to the fact that though the pager is not a part of our family pictures it is very much still a part of our family.

Siblings

The relationship of siblings is one of the most complex and yet at times the simplest relationships one can have with another person. You have the best times with them and the biggest fights as well. You love them always but don't always like them. I know, I have three siblings myself. I have so many wonderful memories growing up and the majority of them include one or more of my siblings. Especially the one that is closest in age to me. It is very different being a sibling and watching siblings. I love witnessing the developing relationship of our children. I was worried that with three years between them they may not be close. I am finding that I may have been a little premature in that conclusion or worry. In the beginning our son had high hopes of a playmate exiting the womb. To his displeasure he quickly realized his new sibling would not be playing trucks or hide-and-seek with him. He always wanted to see her and hug her but you could tell he was not quite sure about this tiny human who was demanding so much of mommy's attention, not wanting very much of his. As they have gotten older though and our daughter has become more interactive and playful I see the dynamic changing. They play together and fight even at their tender age. There is absolutely nothing more endearing to me then to hear them playing and my son making my daughter laugh so hard she can hardly breath. They can get mad and fight with each other but as soon as one of them gets in trouble the other one gets mad at me and starts defending the other. Even our daughter with her baby babble will walk over to me and yell in her own little language when her brother gets into trouble. Our daughter isn't quite to the age of understanding punishment but she sees her brother go to time out and she dutifully goes and sits next to him paying his penance as well until he gets up. There have been times when our son will get hurt and cry and our daughter will cry with/for him too. Or when our daughter gets hurt and her brother kisses her injury for her, telling me "it's ok mommy I've got this."

It is the most precious connection and I feel blessed to watch it all unfold. I know as they get older things will change. I imagine they will fight more than they do now. But I hope they will always remain close even when they don't agree. And know that they will always have each other.

The Lighter Side

About a month ago my husband returned from a trip with an authentic dream catcher for our son. It immediately went up above his bed and is often looked at and talked about by him. He loves to tell stories about how it catches his bad dreams and keeps them in the bead. He even took it to his preschool show-and-share to tell his friends. And of course by the next week I had moms asking me about it because their little ones came home talking about how they need one to catch their bad dreams too. I wish we would have had a dream catcher back in our first year of marriage....

My husband was in his second year of General Surgery. A dreaded year known for its heavy brutal workload of trauma, in one of the busiest trauma centers in the country. They spend half of their second year in the trauma center seeing things that are unimaginable to some of us. They worked 24 or even 36 hours at a stretch seeing patient after patient after patient. Only to go back the next day and do it all over again. There are two nights that I will never forget during that period of time. For a second they made me think to myself what in the world did I sign up for. He would come home from his shift looking worn and beaten. The fatigue of the battle written all over his face down to his blood soaked Danskos. He would shower and then go straight to bed. Often not eating a thing. One night in the haze of sleep I felt my right arm being lifted into the air. Not sure if I was in a state of sleep or not, I could hear the words being spoken but unsure of what was happening. "There is obvious deformity. I don't feel a radial pulse (as I feel the fingers checking my wrist). I do not feel a brachial pulse either (again feeling the fingers checking in my inner arm). I think we need to amputate."

Say what?!!

I jumped out of bed faster than the speed of light. I immediately turned on every light in our room to which my husband, in his sleepy delirium, was asking why I turned the lights on. Gee, I don't know something about my arm being amputated! I knew that we had surgical instruments in the house. Unable to sleep the rest of the night I laid there staring at the ceiling trying to remember where he kept those instruments.
A few weeks later I had another night of interrupted sleep. Though not quite as traumatizing, still made the heart beat a little faster. That night as I lay on my left side I feel a finger run down my back accompanied by the words "skin incision". Though there were no incidence of sleep walking, after that night I found the practice instruments that were kept in our apartment and put them all in the same bag. They were placed where I knew they all were on the off chance he found one sleeping walking in the middle of the night, after his post trauma slumber, and felt the need to do an amputation. He still had many tough rotations during the next three years and even more rotations in trauma but they didn't seem to plague his dreams as much. Now he just incessantly grinds his teeth all night. But I'll take that over a possible surgical incision any night!

The Little Things

In our six plus years of marriage I can say there have been missed birthdays, missed holidays, forgotten appointments, etc. One anniversary my husband and I went to dinner only to have his pager go off in the middle of it. I desperately called my friend who lived near the hospital, and he dropped me off so that I didn't have to sit in the hospital for hours (thank you Michelle for graciously taking me in). There have been the nights with the kids when I wish more than anything I had an extra pair of hands to help me with them. So many things I could write of as inevitable short comings of the job. These come with his job's territory. Though it would be nice to occasionally have the extra help with the kids, I can manage it.  If you read last weeks post you know that it was a bit of a rough week. One morning last week my husband pulls out of his work bag this gem. It honestly is one of the best gifts I have ever received. He bought this book and added his own messages to me in it.

It made me laugh and it made me cry. It was exactly what I needed. I think my favorite page was the one in the top right corner where the author wrote, "your spirit shines through in everything you do." With the added message "especially when you are mad with me."
I can be a passionate person.

Then this week, there was a day when he actually had some time in between cases. He texted me and told me to let him know when I was leaving to go pick up our son from school. He wanted to surprise him and be there when I picked him up. Since his hospital is on the way it was an easy task. He doesn't get much time to spend with the kids and so they miss him a lot. But on that day you would have thought he hung the moon. As my son walked out of his room and saw his daddy standing there it was as if he had received the best gift in his little lifetime. After we dropped my husband back to work on our way home, all he could talk about was how daddy had surprised him and that was the greatest. And how he can surprise him like that every day. Although I had to tell him it likely wouldn't happen for a while, it didn't matter.

It's so easy to get caught up in the business of life. We forget how much the little things mean. How good it feels to receive a thoughtful gift or a kind gesture. To know that you are thought about in that one moment makes the tough days bearable; on the nights when we are having little people meltdowns in our house and I am frustrated and wish I had help. Or on the kids' birthdays when I have to send him a video of us singing happy birthday and blowing out their candle for him because he won't be home.

I'll look at my book sitting on the counter and I'll remember that he makes it count when we need him the most.