Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: A Mother's Story

When you look at the statistics of pregnancy and infant loss it can be surprising. Most people do not know that 1 in 4 women will experience pregnancy and/or infant loss in their childbearing years. I know that until I experienced it I was unaware of the statistics. The reason why most people don't know is because it is a sensitive subject that often is not talked about, or at least it wasn't until recent years. Due to the lack of discussion a lot of families feel alone in their grief. I know I did.
In November of 2012 I experienced my first pregnancy loss. I had, I thought, made it safely into my second trimester and so we decided to announce the news of a new addition to our families. We were so excited to have a new addition and news quickly spread. Not too long after that I had experienced a little spotting and thankfully was scheduled for my next appointment the following day. My husband normally didn't make it to appointments because of his schedule but said if his surgery case finished early he would drive over for it. As soon as I went to check in I notified the front desk that I did have some spotting the night before but hadn't had any since. They notified the doctor and she requested that they take me back to preform an ultrasound before my appointment. The ultrasound tech called me to the back and we began the scan. I requested that she turn the screen so I could see as well, and she reluctantly did so. As she placed the wand on my belly my eyes were already on the screen and I watched as she found the baby's heart and silent tears began to fill my eyes as I lay there alone looking at my precious little one laying so still with it's little heart just as quiet. The tech grabbed my hand because she knew that I knew and she started to talk but I didn't hear a word she was saying. The questions began in my head. The baby was fine on the last ultrasound, how did this happen? Why is this happening to me? What's next? The tech was gracious enough to let me sit in the ultrasound room until my husband arrived. As soon as he did I didn't even have to tell him as he saw my red tear stained face and hugged me and said it will be ok. We went next for my appointment. Because I was starting to get a low grade fever the doctor was concerned that I shouldn't wait too for my body to do things naturally but because I had eaten that day I wasn't able to get booked on her afternoon surgery schedule. And so she sent me home and I was scheduled for two days later. Those two days were some very emotionally difficult days. The next day I woke up in normal form of morning sickness with a quick run to the bathroom. As I sat there on the floor thoughts of why kept circling my brain. I decided we needed to get out of the house, so my son and I went to Target. As we were getting in the check out line the lady in front of me was giddy with excitement about the upcoming birth of her baby as she was buying some last minute items. I stood there, still pregnant myself, with my baby that was no longer alive and it became too much. I moved lines, quickly paid for our items and back home we went. Why were these constant reminders still there of me being pregnant when my baby would never get to come home with me? Those two days were two of the longest days of my life.
After my surgery I had to return to work after a week off. I thought I would be ok, however, working in the maternal child area of the hospital proved to be a struggle as well. Constantly surrounded by babies, mother's having babies, and taking care of them proved to be a difficult reminder of what I had just gone through.
We lost another baby in April of 2013 right before we moved to Seattle. Again I had to have another surgery. The grief and the darkness were very difficult. I found myself not wanting to talk to people, withdrawing more more. It was a very challenging time in my life. I had to move on, push forward for our son and our family but there were the days when my heart felt heavy.
We decided we were ready to try again and we were blessed with our daughter in November 2014. Every single day of that pregnancy it was in the back of my mind, would this one survive,  would we get to bring this baby home, will our son finally getting the sibling he so desperately asked for? Finally she arrived and it was the second best day of my life.
We lost one more baby in February of this year. It was a very different experience. Since we lived so close to my family at that time, my mom left work early the day I found out our little one's heart had stopped beating and though I had already miscarried the baby by the time she got to our apartment nothing felt better than a hug from her. It was a hard thing to deal with being home by myself with our two kids but the beautiful thing about that was that I did in fact still have them.
People say funny things when they find out you are miscarrying. Trying to be supportive and find something to say they pick words that unfortunately can still be hurtful. It used to make me so sad when after our first pregnancy loss someone would say well at least you have your son be thankful for that. As if I was in fact not aware how blessed I was to have him. I would get angry because it was as if the baby I carried for four months didn't matter. Another difficult thing is being pregnant with people at the same time and losing your baby. I was pregnant with one of my oldest friends one time with just a week separating our due dates. Two days after I lost my baby she had texted that she had her appointment and baby had a good strong heart beat and was doing well. I was so happy for her but a part of me felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. It's never easy being the one who loses the baby. It has made me more sensitive about sharing my own pregnancies when they are successful because I know what it's like to be on the other end.
I did a lot better after the third baby we lost. I clung to my faith and my family leaning on both for support. I know that though we cannot always understand the things that happen to us and the trials we face in this life, there is a bigger plan. I still think about those babies we lost. I remember the exact day I found out each of them had died and their due dates. Those dates pass every year and though no one else remembers, I do. I say a quiet prayer for them and keep them in my heart. They were real. They existed. They are a part of my story. And they always will be.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: The Nurse's Story

To start this post I think it is important to go back in time to when I was in nursing school. Most of my fellow classmates could attest to the fact that Labor and Delivery was not a place where I wanted to do a rotation. I worked very hard to stay out of that area much to my instructors dismay. On my very last day of  my clinicals I was in the crazy circumstance of delivering a baby by myself in the bathroom (that is a whole other post in itself)! Of course that just solidified that I was NEVER going to EVER set foot in a Labor and Delivery Unit AGAIN!
Fast forward to my first job as a new grad nurse. The hospital that I was to work at didn't have any internships available in any of my desired units (E.R., ICU, or Cardiac Unit) but as luck would have it (well not my luck anyway) they did have an internship in Labor and Delivery. My initial thought was you must be kidding me?! Actually I don't think it was a thought I believe I actually spoke those words out loud to the HR person. And so I began my journey in Labor and Delivery, always telling myself it was temporary until a position opened up in another department. I finished my 9 months of internship successfully (with some VERY interesting stories) and was released by my preceptor to be on my own. Three months later I experienced one of the worst days I had ever had up until that point.
I will never forget that day. We had just changed shifts and the first patient to come up from E.R. was a 21 week pregnant woman with fever of 103 and cramping. I was up for the first admission. After labs were sent, IV was started, formal ultrasound was done and monitoring was taking place it was resulted that the woman was suffering a severe case chorioamnionitis and delivery was imminent. Without getting into the details of that day the woman and I bonded over my 12 hour shift. She was close to delivering when it was getting close to the end of my shift and I could not leave her to go through this situation after I had spent all day talking and consoling her with the impending outcome of her situation. And so I stayed. NICU personnel was present for the delivery on the small hope this baby would be big enough to save but sadly it was not. The doctor wrapped the baby in a blanket and presented it to it's mother and then had to leave for an emergency cesarean. And so I sat and held this mother while she held her baby whispering loving words while silent tears ran down her face and my own. After the baby had passed and when she was ready, I took the baby to take pictures for her, make a footprint sheet and make her one of our memory boxes that we present mothers who have delivered stillborns. It was excruciating. She hugged me for a long time and then it was time to move her to another floor. After having been at the hospital 18 hours I drove home and on the way I called my mom. She listened while I cried. I cried for that poor mother, I cried for the baby and I cried at the cruelty of the situation.
My very last stillborn case was close to the end of my time in Labor and Delivery. It was a woman who had come in that night for an induction of labor being full term and meeting the criteria for induction. As with every mom who comes in I immediately started to attach our contraction monitor and fetal heart rate monitor. As I was searching for a heart beat the seconds turned into minutes. She looked at me and said he likes to hide sometimes and smiled but my heart began to sink. I asked another nurse to try and find heart tones while I called the doctor who ordered a STAT ultrasound. The tech arrived to do the scan and as she was looking the doctor came in the room. The three of us were studying the ultrasound monitor screen as the tech was searching. You could watch the happiness leaving the woman's face as she looked to all of us hoping to see some reassurance. When the doctor had to tell her the baby no longer had a heart beat, the happiest day of this woman's life suddenly became one of the worst.  The crying and pleading with questions of "why" were haunting. It was a horribly heart breaking situation.
In my years as being a Labor and Delivery nurse I had no words for people who would talk about how wonderful it was to work in such a lovely department and never have to experience the kinds of events other nurses did on the other floors and areas in the hospital. And I would just smile but I had no response because working in L&D was such an emotionally taxing area to work in. We either had the best days or we had the worst days. I remember every single mother I took care of who experienced loss. I grieved for them and with them as any person would but it wasn't until I got a small glimpse at what they were going through that I understood the heart break that kind of loss could cause. Seven years later I would experience my first pregnancy loss and go down that dark path of grief as a mother.......

To Be Continued

October Awareness

When most people talk or think about awareness in the month of October the subject that is usually at the forefront of peoples minds is Breast Cancer Awareness. There have been amazing strides in medicine with breast cancer research, treatments, testing, etc. Most people at least know one person who has been affected by breast cancer. I know several strong and beautiful women who have had the misfortune of fighting that battle. As much as I could write a whole blog about Breast Cancer Awareness this post is not intended for that. This post is dedicated to those affected by infant and pregnancy loss.
On October 25, 1988 United States President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day campaign began in 2002.  By 2016 all 50 American states have yearly proclamations. The significance of this date is to recognize and raise awareness for families who have suffered bereavement due to pregnancy and/or infant loss and to offer resources, information and support. (Wikipedia, 2016)
President Reagan stated "When a child loses his parents, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes."
This is a subject that until recent years was not often talked about publicly. Families suffered their losses silently. People feel uncomfortable talking to someone going through this emotional time because what can one say? I have become more vocal in the last few years of my experiences. Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable to discuss but you never know who your words can reach and provide comfort to when they are silently going through their own loss. And so as a previous Labor and Delivery nurse and a woman who has suffered three miscarriages herself I will dedicate the rest of my posts in the month of October to opening the conversation of this sensitive subject. Some of my stories may be difficult for some to read but if I can help just one person not feel alone and to help raise awareness about this sensitive subject then my posts have done their job

To Be Continued.........

 On October 15th at 7pm people are invited to help raise awareness by lighting a candle. Whether you have been through this situation, know someone who has or just want to help raise awareness I invite you to light a candle for all of those babies who are no longer with us. Thank You.

For more information please go to WWW.NOWILAYMEDOWNTOSLEEP.ORG

Life's Moments

We tend to measure life in moments and/or milestones. Times in our lives that are remembered because of moments when our lives feel so full; full of love, full of sorrow, full of happiness, full of loss. One of these moments in my life was five years ago today, October 6th 2011 at 6:46 a.m. when I became a mother.
I will never forget the time leading up to that day. More than a week past my due date I was ready to go into labor at any moment. On October 5th I went to my friend Michelle's house because we were both off that day and we were going to binge watch some episodes of our favorite paranormal show while eating some delicious pasta salad from Whole Foods (if you ever have a chance to try smoked mozzarella pasta salad do it!). That afternoon I had a doctor's appointment to check on things so we paused our show and I left Michelle's house saying, "I'll be back in about an hour" not realizing that would not be the case.
I went in for my appointment and due to some issues my doctor said "well let's send you in to the hospital for an induction." Wait, what did you just say?! Totally unprepared to hear those words, I called my husband who had just finished up a surgery case and informed him I was being sent to the hospital for induction. After calling our families, my next phone call was to my friend letting her know I would in fact not be back to finish our show.
After being admitted to the hospital and getting everything taken care of we got started that night on the medication to induce labor. Luckily for me one of my old friends/coworkers from Labor and Delivery had moved hospitals and was my nurse that night. And I was more than thankful for that familiar face! I tried to tough it out as long as I could before I got my epidural. Around midnight I was too exhausted and hurting too much with the intentness of the contractions that I was ready for some relief. I called for Jennifer and woke my husband, who was sleeping so peacefully on the pull out couch in my room (more on that in a minute!) and got things started so I could get that much needed relief.
After that it was smooth sailing. My husband, who had put in a long day of surgery and would have to go back in the morning for a big surgery case he had scheduled, went and laid back down while I laid there in the dark watching the monitor with my contractions and fetal heart rate waiting for the moment I would be told it was time to begin. 
After pushing for about thirty minutes the baby (at this point we didn't know the gender of our baby) was having some distress. I will never forget the moment the doctor told the my friend, the nurse, to go get his forceps because if I couldn't push the baby out in the next three pushes he was going to pull it out. You want to talk about adrenaline rush! Though I trusted my doctor completely I was not about to have him deliver my baby with forceps. And so I pushed with everything I had. And then it was over.
I heard that little cry and the very next thing I heard is "you guys have a little boy" and he held him up for us to see and I became flooded with emotions.
When they say something is indescribable that is truly how I felt in that moment when I became a mother. I was exhilarated, exhausted, in love, surprised (we don't find out genders of our little's before delivery) and completely afraid; every single emotion one can feel I felt in those few seconds upon seeing his beautiful little face. The first moment I got to hold him I just stared at him. I was a mother. He was my son. No amount of words can fill in that moment and then he opened his little eyes and stared right back at me. All I could do was smile, and said "Hi I am your mommy."
I relive that moment every year on this day. It is something I cherish with every ounce of my being. He is such a wonderful little boy. Full of life and happiness just like the meaning of his name. And he has given me more life, love and happiness in his five years than I could have ever imagined was possible.